Thanks to buddy LN for this giggle!
SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end
points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another
Opposite wall covered with You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of Mouth not open, or glass Retire to restroom,
your shirt is wet. applied to wrong part of face. practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom Get someone to buy you another drink.
of empty glass.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on Alcohol consumption has exceeded Cover mouth.
colourful aspect and textures. personal limitations.
Everyone looks up to you You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear. It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see,
mind unusually clear. just in case it was them.
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol.
recognize the room you’re in.
Your singing sounds distorted. The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol until your voice
Don’t remember the words to the song. Drink is just right. Play air guitar.